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Authentic Dialogue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obstacles in Couples’ Communication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Make Love Your Priority

 

 

 

 

 

Authentic Dialogue

May 17, 2018

The key to effective communication is for both parties to feel heard and understood for whatever they might be expressing and feeling. To accomplish this there is a three-step process that if done correctly, will ensure the intended result_ feeling more connected around difficult issues.

The first part is called mirroring and is simply to reflect back what the speaker is saying in as close to their own words as possible. This alone accomplishes much: it assures the speaker of being heard exactly for what they are saying, it eliminates any interpretation by the listener, and it curtails most any emotional reactivity, since mirrors do not react they only reflect. The simple act of mirroring before reflexively responding slows down the process so staying connected is more likely to occur throughout the dialogue.

Equally important is the act of validating what the speaker is saying no matter what one’s personal opinion or perspective might be. It is an attempt to make some logical sense of what’s being said by entering into the speaker’s world as non-judgmentally as possible. This says to the speaker they are being taken seriously for what they are saying and creates the experience of feeling “gotten”, something that is so important for all of us.

The third step in true communication may actually be the most important, as it has the potential to really create change. It’s the act of empathizing, which is to try to feel into and convey to the speaker that you can truly imagine what they must be going through or experiencing. This, “I can imagine that you must be feeling (whatever emotions)…” is in itself connecting and goes a long way to ease emotional hurt or pain and can be a balm to heal old wounds that often keep getting triggered.

This style of communication is powerful because it doesn’t allow for emotionally reflexive responses, interrupting, misinterpreting, drawn out nonproductive looping cycles or never ending explosive fights and dramas to occur. It also keeps a discussion on track by responding only to what is being said specifically in the ‘here and now’ without bringing in the past or getting side tracked by non relevant issues.

One might practice this with a partner or friend around some small issue or even just in sharing what’s going on in one’s life. After all, who wouldn’t want to really feel heard, validated and empathized with?

 

Obstacles in Couples’ Communication

March 25, 2018

We communicate to fulfill seven basic needs:  to impart information, to solve a problem,  to express a need or a desire, to relay an opinion or a judgment, to express one's feelings,  to show or request empathy and to connect through humor or a shared experience.

In order for any of this to happen effectively, the speaker must be clear of the actual need(s) and the listener must actively listen, i.e. really take in and register what's being said and heard. This is actually a tall order since often the speaker isn't totally clear about what the need or the listener is not authentically listening.

For instance in a relationship if someone is feeling hurt, rather than tune in to that feeling and express just that, what gets expressed can be a judgment (usually hurtful in itself), or a past unresolved historical reference, or some kind of indirect feeling, which is often passive aggressive. So the listener is on his/her own to figure out what the partner needs, and it would never occur to someone to simply ask. To make matters worse, the listener often gets caught up in a defensive mode of emotional reactivity or alternatively tunes the speaker out completely and begins preparing a rebuttal. What unfolds is a drama of someone being triggered and then lashing out to which the other responds in kind.  This dynamic can actually grow in intensity or the exchange can flatten when one party shuts down and withdraws. This is naturally infuriating of course and results in the speaker feeling even more dismissed or angry because not only is the partner not really listening but they are no longer present or even engaged.

So how can one prevent such psychodramas and escalating tiresome tirades that can continue for hours in never ending loops of hurtful interaction?  The answer is a particular manner of communication called “authentic dialogue” that helps ensure that  both parties engage in effective communication and strategic problem solving.

My next blog post will explore this solution more fully, but in the meantime, you might tune into how this issue resonates with you personally, i.e. how you communicate with a partner or people in your life or if it reminds you of others, your parents, perhaps.

 

 

Make Love Your Priority

February 12, 2018

We all want to experience more love and happiness, yet sometimes we fail to connect the role we ourselves play in its creation and maintenance.  We know it’s best to engage with love in our hearts, but often that’s easy to forget when we’re caught in emotionally challenging situations. Yet at any moment, we can choose once again to love. Begin by first forgiving yourself (for forgetting), then forgiving your partner (for everything) and then start to practice loving actions even in the midst of the tension filled drama.

When we try our best to be considerate of others’ feelings and can extend the benefit of the doubt, we prioritize people differently with our thoughts and actions. By leading with unconditional positive regard it’s natural to follow through with loving actions of kindness.  These actions can include showing physical and emotional affection as well as   demonstrating engaged presence.  This means truly being present in your listening to another as well as consistently responding with empathy and compassion, thus building greater trust. Try being the partner you’d like to meet in the world and watch miracles happen in all of your relationships.

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Michael Mongno is known as one of the leading and most accomplished life coaches in New York City. For over 21 years he's been working closely with individuals seeking personal development, and life and career changes. With degrees in business and psychology, and many years experience guiding others into success and fulfillment in a wide range of life expressions, Michael is the ideal coach for your aspirations, goals and transformations.

Best Life Coach - Manhattan. 100 W. 67th Street, Suite #2NE, Manhattan, New York City, NY. Midtown. Upper West Side.

 
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